Short jokes

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?"

"Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.

On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."

Written just below it "I do not".

This guy walks into a butcher and asks, "Can I have those from the top shelf please". The butcher replies, "Sorry, the steaks are too high."

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"... "No, I'm still alive."

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one had the clean glass?"

"Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp.
"Do you mind eating last week's leftovers?"
"Not at all."
"Good. Come back next week then"

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah? What happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."


Sex is like poker... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"

What is foreplay?

The loving before the shoving.
The petting before the getting.
The licking before the pricking.
The stroking before the poking.
The lingering and the fingering.
Unnecessary with barn animals.

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!!!!"

Wife: There's something preying on my mind.
Husband: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation.

Were do people with 1 leg work? At IHOP!

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.


While making love, a guy says to his wife "Darling, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."


A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

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